Reasons

SOME REASONS WHY RELATIONSHIPS DETERIORATE

By Robert Elias Najemy -

Life & Relationship Coach with 30 years experience

author of "The Psychology of Happiness"

1). Lack of education in effective communication. We have not been
educated in how to communicate openly and honestly. Effective communication and
honest emotional representation is not taught in our schools, colleges, or churches.
This will be discussed in detail in later chapters of the book ("The Psychology of
Happiness"). But it's no secret that as a society, we have been "trained" to hide our
weaknesses from others. All too often this equates to also hiding our true feelings
and emotions as well. If WE can't allow ourselves to "feel", how can we express
our true feelings to others through effective communication?

2). Poor examples - Role models. We learn through imitation. We contain within
us much more of our parents' programming than we are aware of. We have
recorded subconsciously the ways in which our parents behaved and communicated
(or did not communicate) between themselves, with us and with others.

We now mechanically repeat this type of communication with our partners, children
and friends. We tend to create the problems similar to those that existed in our
childhood role models. If our parents were self-suppressing and non-
communicative, we tend do the same. If they were competitive and aggressive we
are likely to act in a similar way. In some cases, out of reaction, we may do the
opposite, but this is also a programming.

If we are having communication problems with our loved one, it may be useful to
work on transforming our childhood experiences. What we believe to be a problem
with our spouse, may actually be simply a projection of a problem with one of our
parents.

3). We do not take responsibility for our reality. Our beliefs create our
reality. If we want a new reality, we will need to change our beliefs about
ourselves, others and the world around us.

4). We expect the other to fulfill our needs and expectations. We believe
that the other, in some magical way, is going to supply us with what is lacking
within us. No one can give us inner security or self-worth if we do not have it. If we
want to create a harmonious relationship, we will first need to be in harmony with
ourselves, which means developing inner security, strength, self-confidence and
self-acceptance in all situations.

It will do no good whatsoever to blame the other for what we are feeling. He or she
will just harden his stance and stay that way. No one likes to be criticized or
blamed. Even if down inside we know that we are wrong, we do not like to admit it
as long as we are being blamed.

5). Fear of what the others think. We create considerable tension when we want
to place limits on or seek to change our loved one's behavior so we can be
accepted by others. When we pressure a loved one to change, not because what he
is doing is morally wrong, but because we need society's approval, he or she feels
we are putting others above him in our heart. We are placing our needs for
acceptance or recognition above our love, acceptance and respect for our loved
one and for how he or she needs and wants to function. Perhaps we should ask,
"What is more important to me -this affirmation based on appearances, or
maintaining a deep and loving relationship with my partner?"

This is an especially important question for us as parents to ask ourselves
concerning our children. Do we want to force our children to fit into a social mold
and risk losing our communication link with them, or do we prefer to risk losing
social recognition for the sake of maintaining our communication? Remember: we
are not talking about sacrificing ethical values, but rather subjective and often quite
superficial and materially oriented social values.

6). Lack of energy. I have seen a number of relationships fall into disharmony
and even separation because one or both of the partners let their energy level fall
to a dangerously low level causing them to become a negative element in that
relationship. When we do not care for our bodies, minds and spirits, they begin to
function defectively, creating negativity for ourselves and those around us. We
have less clarity, less patience, less understanding for others' needs and problems.

A person without energy is naturally ego-centered because he needs to take. He is
naturally defensive because he feels he needs to protect himself. He does not feel
safe. When one person in a relationship is in such a state, problems are created for
everyone. When both are in this state, the relationship cannot endure.

We have an obligation in any relationship, whether it be emotional, professional or
social, to offer others a being with quality. No one likes an emotionally polluted
environment full of complaints, criticism, negative thoughts, negative feelings,
blaming, fear, hurt, anger or depression. We would all like to live in an environment
flowering with positive emotions of love, joy, laughter, pleasantness and positive
thoughts and feelings.

That requires energy. We can create and maintain a high level of energy by eating
properly, and practicing exercises, breathing techniques, deep relaxation
techniques and positive thinking on a daily basis. We also need to get enough sleep.
Vitamins may also help. For details concerning these techniques check out our web
site.

7). We carry the past around within us. We do not live in the present.
Throughout the years, we have formed a mental image of who the other is and now
we see our image and not the person.

This image is unfortunately permeated with many misunderstandings and wrong
assumptions concerning the other, which we have created, through our inner
subjective beliefs and programming.

We distort our perception of reality and of the others' motives. We often think that
the other is trying to harm us when this is not, in fact, his or her motive. The other
is simply functioning out of ingrained needs and beliefs. He or she is probably not
even aware that what he or she is doing is offensive to us. If the other is aware, he
or she may find it difficult to understand why we are bothered by a certain
behavior. The other may also be unhappy that we are creating this hurt within us
through his or her actions because this is not his or her motive at all.

We tend to hold a running account of how many times the other has hurt or
disappointed us, in some way, and when we interact with him or her, we have this
"balance sheet" hanging in front of our eyes. Holding on to the hurt of the past
prevents an opening to who the other actually is in the present. This accumulated
resentment or feeling of injustice obstructs our clear perception and communication
in the present.

We must learn to forgive and approach our loved one as if for the first time,
forgetting whatever he or she may or may not have done in the past that has hurt
us. If we can remember that there is a divine law which allows only what is
necessary for our evolutionary process to occur, we will realize that our partner (or
any other person) was only the means by which this experience came to us.

We have been the creators of everything anyone has ever done to us. This may be
difficult to swallow, but it is true. Thus, there is no one to forgive except ourselves
for creating such a reality for ourselves. Let us forgive ourselves and the others
and start each day a "new" relationship with those close to us.

8). We cannot imagine harmony. Many of us cannot imagine a harmonious
relationship. This may be because we have experienced negative childhood role
models, or perhaps we have lived for so long in a negative relationship (or have
had a series of negative relationships) that we cannot imagine ourselves in a
positive one.

In such a case, we would benefit from learning to project positive thoughts and
images while in deep relaxation. While in the relaxed and concentrated state, we
can imagine the person we want to improve our relationship with immersed in light,
well and happy. We can bring to mind five positive qualities we can respect in the
other. In this way, we create a positive image of the other person. Then we can
imagine ourselves together with the other in a happy, harmonious relationship. We
can imagine ourselves communicating in various ways: talking, dancing, loving,
walking, working together, etc.

Some of us have difficulty in imagining such a positive relationship. In such a case,
we should realize that our own negative subconscious (or conscious) thought-form
is a serious obstacle toward creating a happy relationship.

In some cases, although it may seem that the other is the aggressive one who is
doing injustice to us, as long as we are unable to imagine a more positive reality,
our negative expectations are as much responsible for what is happening as is his
or her behavior. The solution is to work on changing our image of ourselves and the
other, and of how our relationship can be.

9). Inner Conflicts. Inner conflicts often externalize as conflicts with our loved
ones. When beliefs, needs, values or desires conflict within us, we project those
conflicts onto those around us, especially those closest to us. We believe they are in
conflict with us, limiting or resisting us, when in reality, one part of ourselves is
limiting or resisting another. Then, when we harbor feelings of resentment or blame
toward the other, he or she in turn feels abused, as he or she feels innocent of our
accusations.

The other, in fact, will often take the opposite side in a conflict, not because the
other really believes so much in that, but more so because we, through our doubt,
are sending him or her subconscious messages that force him or her to take this
opposite stance so we can work this issue out on a conscious level.

We believe the other is conflicting with us, but the reality is that we are conflicting
with ourselves through him or her. When we have come to an inner reconciliation
between our various conflicting needs and beliefs, we will find that the other will be
freed from his temporary antagonistic role and the external conflict will disappear.

For example, we might start a new diet, follow a new path of self-improvement, or
exercise a new freedom, behavior or activity. As long as we doubt or have an inner
conflict about making these new changes in our lives, the others will resist, criticize,
ridicule and even become aggressive with us. This will last as long as we remain
unsure of these changes or our right to make them. It is also prolonged by our
need to prove to the others that we are right by arguing or converting them to our
new way. This is a serious mistake that must be avoided. It creates unnecessary
conflict.

10). Need conflicts.

The problem of need conflicts in our relationships with others and possible solutions
to them, as well as how to overcome the above mentioned obstacles in our efforts
to create conscious love relationships are discussed in later chapters.

Robert Elias Najemy is a professional life coach with 30 years of experience. He is
also the author of over 20 books, 600 articles and 400 lecture cassettes on Human
Harmony. His best-selling book, "The Psychology of Happiness", is made available
through Amazon.com.