People_We

Why We Choose the People We Love

by Terri Arnold, M.S.

"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." ~
George Santayana

"Why do I always wind up with the wrong person? I want someone who is kind,
loving, reliable and open. Yet my relationships are always with men who are angry,
hostile, emotionally unavailable and cannot keep a job."

"I want a woman who is emotionally stable and independent, but I always wind up
with women who are overly dramatic, tend to hysteria and depend on me to make
their decisions."

These are common problems brought to me by clients. They blame bad luck,
coincidence or accident for winding up with the exact opposite of the type of person
they say they prefer in a relationship.

One very attractive female marketing manager in her mid thirties agonized - "If I
went to a party and there were fifty men in the room - and 49 were college
graduates who were business or professional men - and the 50th was a high-school
dropout with a felony police record - number 50 and I would somehow find each
other."

We make our relationship choices based on life experiences accumulated from
hildhood. We subconsciously integrate these experiences and react from them to
current situations.

Children's psyches are like unwritten slates. The messages we receive from our
parents are stored upon them as if etched in stone. We internalize these messages
and accept them without question as we mature because in the child's mind,
mommy and daddy - who are our ultimate authority figures - said it is so!

When a little girl has a father who is physically present but emotionally absent and
oes not provide her with the love and nurturing she needs, she will grow up with a
big empty space in her heart where that love should have been. The message -
although unspoken - tells her that she is not important and not deserving of love.

This little girl will subconsciously seek a man with her father's rejecting
characteristics - so she can relive her initial relationship - and this time she will win.

When a little boy grows up with a weak and dependent mother who increasingly
leans on him in his father's absence, he is put in an adult situation inappropriate to
his years. Although in manhood he states he resents female dependency, he is
used to taking the role of rescuer and naturally will gravitate to women with
emotional broken wings that need fixing.

In our adult relationships, we seek to create situations in which we are comfortable
- regardless of their dysfunctionality. If you grew up in a chaotic home, you will
subconsciously tend to chaotic relationships. Our home environment, how we were

raised, is what we consider normal.

Our adult relationships follow a pattern. Here's a simple exercise that
will reveal YOUR pattern to you:

1. Write the names of all of the people with whom you have had a significant
relationship.

2. Under each name, list all the negative characteristics you can remember - for
instance: bad temper, continually late for dates, poor money manager, etc.

3. After you have completed your list, review the character traits that are shared
by your dating partners.

4. Circle or yellow high-lite these recurring traits and you will see the emergence
of a pattern.

While discussing the concept of this article with a friend, my friend was motivated to
make the list and was uncomfortable with the fact that these traits stood out among
her three past serious relationships: aggressive personality, alcoholism, and
emotional unavailability.

I helped my friend work thru her feelings about this new realization as I did with my
clients. Awareness of the pattern is the first step to changing it. Talking about it with
a therapist or trusted friend is the next important step because you are then
exposing this destructive pattern to the light and can carry this awareness with you
when you begin your next relationship.

Be assured - patterns are not etched in stone. They can be changed with
awareness and work.

Terri Arnold, MS (Spicy Grandma) has been a Psychotherapist for over twenty
years. She has owned and operated a brick and mortar dating service and has also
helped abused women thru individual and group counseling to improve their self
esteem, leave their abusive relationships and lead more fulfilling lives. Terri invites
you to visit her popular personalized and informative 50+ dating community at:
www.spicy-senior-singles.com