Dating Etiquette

There was a time when dating was simple. Men were expected to be gentlemen and
women were expected to be ladies. Their roles were clear-cut. Today single people
are often mixed up about proper dating etiquette. This is particularly true if you are
re-entering the singles scene after years of being half of a married couple. It can
be quite traumatic to play the "dating game" without knowing the rules.

Singles often feel in a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. For example, if
you're a man and automatically pick up the check at a restaurant, you may gain
points with one woman but antagonize another. If you're a woman and prefer to
pay your own way you'll find that some men love it and others hate it. So what are
the rules for dating in America in the Eighties?

There are none. What works with some singles, doesn't work with others. It may be
helpful therefore, to do 2 things:

Communicate with your dating partners. Let them know your preferences in terms
of male/female roles, and find out theirs. For example, if you are a man who enjoys
opening the door for a woman, ask her if she's comfortable with that or prefers to
open her own door. If you're a woman who likes to pay her own way, check that
out with your partner before the date.

Be tolerant of your date's desires. Again using the example above, if she says she
doesn't want you to open her door, then don't. Don't get upset or try to persuade
your date to give in your expectations.

There are 3 issues that come up most often during dates.

Issue #1: Who Initiates the Date ?

Despite what you hear about women's liberation, the man usually initiates dates in
America. But it also is socially acceptable for a woman to initiate a date. So do what
feels comfortable.

Issue #2: Who Controls the Date ?

Some men enjoy the "masculine" role of deciding where to go on a date. Many
women feel quite comfortable with this. In that case, there's nothing wrong with an
"old-fashioned date" with the man making the decisions. Many men and women,
however, want a more equal relationship where both share in the decisions. It's
important, therefore, to communicate your preferences and try to come to an
accommodation with your partner.

Issue #3: Who Pays ?

Here again you can't believe all you read and hear about women's liberation. The
fact of the matter is that most women in California expect the man to pick up the
check at restaurants, bars, etc. If you're a man, therefore, expect to pay most of
the time.

Some men feel uncomfortable with picking up the bill. They prefer a "Dutch treat"
where the bill is split. That's fine, as long as you have discussed this earlier with
your date and she has agreed to it. Otherwise, it is quite rude to ask a woman out
to a movie, for example, and announce to her at the ticket window that she has to
pay for her own ticket.

Men who would prefer that the woman "pay her fair share" often feel uncomfortable
about discussing these matters. They are afraid that the woman will consider him to
be cheap. This is indeed a possibility. Many women expect to be treated generously
by a man. Some want to be taken to expensive restaurants, night clubs, etc. They
may expect the man to bring flowers, a bottle of wine, or candy on a date when he
comes to pick her up.

What do you do if you're a man and feel uncomfortable with all this? Don't date that
kind of woman. There are plenty of women who are willing to pay their own way.
They are the minority, but still a sizable one.

Some men feel quite bitter about society's expectation that they pick up the tab on
dates. They can't understand why women are so "unfair". The most obvious reason
is tradition. Throughout history men have been the "providers" and women have
been the "homemakers". Today, with a significant percentage of the American work
force composed of women, this is no longer always the case. But old traditions die
slowly.

Another explanation is the fact that women only earn 72% of what men do in our
society. For this reason many women feel that it is quite fair that the man pay for
activities on dates.

One way the issue of equity is often settled is by the man paying for out-of-pocket
expenses and the woman repaying him by having him over for dinner. This is a
very fair way of handling the issue since most single men don't eat very good
meals and really appreciate a home-cooked meal.

If you are a woman, you may have a problem adjusting to the expectations of
different men on this issue. One man may be offended if you offer to pay your half.
The next may be delighted. Again communication and tolerance are the keys.
Normally it's assumed that the man will pay, but if you prefer to pay your own way
you should discuss this ahead of time, preferably on the phone before your first
date.

Come to an agreement on who is to pay.

What do you do if the man insists on paying? You can call him a male chauvinist pig
and refuse to go out with him again. Or you can accede to his wishes and let him
pay. This has obvious financial advantages. There often is a disadvantage,
however. Some men believe that if they spend money on a woman this entitles
them to sexual favors. Don't allow yourself to fall into this trap. If you're going to
feel pressured to give in sexually to a man who spends a lot of money on you in an
evening then insist on paying your own way. If he won't agree to this, then cancel
the date.

In other words, stick up for your rights. Try to be accommodating to the needs of
your date, but not at the cost of sacrificing your own values or comfort.